Being a Dad made me be a better Leader

From the beginning my wife was a natural leader for all things care-related for our children – from breast feeding and play dates, to day care and health care. Likewise, I took on our financial security and doing the dirty work related to home, autos, and yard.

When my girls were older, perhaps ages 1 and 4, I began being much more intentional in my fathering. I had a growing sense that giving my best to my wife and children meant giving them the best of my values and legacy – my masculine identity. For instance, I am a loyal man who is grateful for the loyalty of a dog, so I involved my wife and girls in raising, training, and caring for Ingrid, our yellow lab. I am a man who is capable of surviving in the outdoors, so I found a private swim coach to give my daughters lessons every Thursday at 6am before I dropped them at elementary school.

My intention found form when the men’s work showed me the power of paying attention to my Context, Purpose and my desired Results of my fathering and then trained me in using an elegantly simple tool – the CPR – to be successful. Over the years, my men have held me accountable to my commitments and enabled me to regenerate a leading context when I have strayed.

Now that my girls are nearly grown I can look back with gratitude for the opportunity to train in leadership that parenting has provided to me and for the men who have stood beside me. I have learned that leading means trusting that I have something to offer and to bring it in a committed and determined way that serves those I am leading… while remaining curious and attentive. A few specific lessons I learned:

1. Show up for dinner

We enlarged our dining room, ate together every night, banned phones and the dog, and found new ways to bring thoughtful conversation to dinner – even in the teenage years! The leadership lesson for me: curiosity, listening, standards and commitment builds trust and team-work.

2. Take them with you

We took the girls with us hiking, biking, skiing, fishing and hunting. We carried them until they could carry themselves – one traveling solo two laps around the globe and the other taking her third deer on a solo hunt. The leadership lesson: do the hard work up front to be prepared and detailed oriented and you’ll get capable, independent team members.

3. Send them away

We knew our children were a precious gift and that they should be shared. So we invented “Granny and Grandpa Camp”, had their “Aunt Ruthie Trip” to Dallas when each turned 5 years old and we created “Cousins Camp” where they hung with 5th cousins in New York. The leadership lesson: be generous and trust that others have something to give that you can’t provide.

4. One set of Rules

“No biting, no pinching, no hitting” grew into “treat each other respectfully” when I discovered myself feeling justified losing control with my kids. Now everyone, myself included, is expected to acknowledge a lapse in this standard. The leadership lesson: there is no respect without integrity and fairness.

5. Consistent Boundaries
Richard Carpenter's daughter sleeping with the dog
Our youngest with Ingrid.

Before kids, we raised two puppies for The Seeing Eye guide dog foundation – a great dry run for kids. Every time I was tempted to give the dogs human food, not put them on the bed leash at night, let them up on furniture or break any other Seeing Eye rules, I imagined the result being a blind person being dragged out into traffic and hit by a bus! Over the years, I would see that bus in my mind’s eye when tempted to capitulate to the kid’s begging. The leadership lesson: Leading means being reliable… and knowing when to say “no”… consistently.

My job as a Dad is wrapping up. It’s been a great job that has given me innumerable opportunities to practice the commitment, sacrifices, and disciplines that have taken me down the path toward the man I have always wanted to be: a leader for my family, my community, and my business.

Are you leading in your family?

Rich Carpenter lives in Philadelphia where he leads a tribe of men as well as the healthcare startup CareHandOff.com.

Rich Carpenter, 2018-01-11 | Posted in General